Me, Myself, and Honesty

Disclaimer: if you continue reading this you are not allowed to feel sorry for me. This is the past and I’m only telling you so you can understand my present. My life is beyond what you are about to read.

My entire life I have strived to be something. I say something because I was never given the right word to put in there. I don’t remember getting much attention as a kid. But the mind has a way of amplifying the negative…so keep that in mind as you read the rest of this. My memory doesn’t leave me with many memories of the past. But here’s a couple.

  1. Being told that I was at fault for my parents fighting.
  2. Living with my grandparents for a year while my parents did God knows what.
  3. Being taken away to some shelter for women and children.
  4. My parents threatening suicide.
  5. My parents apologizing and getting back together.
  6. My mom being pulled out of my grandma’s house by her hair.
  7. Bathing with melted snow because we didn’t have water.
  8. Staring at the hole my body made in the drywall of the dining room
  9. Getting called “stupid b****”, “dumb”, “smart ass”, “c***”
  10. Screaming “shut up” while hearing crashes and screaming coming from the living room.

I could go on but I won’t. How about a list of things I don’t remember…

  1. My mom telling me what kind of guy I should hope for in my future.
  2. My dad showing me how a guy should treat me.
  3. Being told the importance of education.

Again, I’m sure I could go on but you get it. I said all that to get to the important stuff. I never had the support that I thought I needed. And maybe it was because I was pushing for that support that I did everything in my power to be the best. I kept straight A’s from kindergarten to 12th grade. I started making my own money at 10 or 11. I played multiple sports.  I graduated high school. I went to college. I read. I learned everything I could. I worked 4-5 jobs at a time and put myself through college. And in May I graduated. Did it solve any of my issues? No.

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I always wanted recognition. But I never dwelled on it. What I gained from my journey was a sense of loneliness and trust in only myself. I decided that I was the only person in my life who hadn’t let me down yet. Afterall, I only made it to where I am because of me…Right? Wrong. I told you in the beginning. The mind has a way of amplifying the negative to the point that you can no longer see the positive. I am where I am because of my circumstances. My family. And most importantly my parents.

Here’s what my parents taught me:

  1. How to love unconditionally…yeah I still struggle with that one.
  2. Perseverance – you cannot let your addictions keep their hold on you, break free.
  3. To be grateful – I know what it is like at rock bottom, and I will never choose to go there.
  4. How to pray
  5. Forgiveness
  6. What NOT to do in a relationship
  7. Honesty – because I have seen what lying gets you.
  8. How to laugh
  9. Family is all you have at the end of the day.
  10. It is okay to need help.

And you bet there are a LOT more lessons that I could share. The point is. I always told myself that it was me against the world. It caused me to close up inside myself and hate everything. It’s been about a year or so since I’ve realized that I was one of my biggest enemies. I became so caught up in this “woe is me” pity party that the big picture slipped away. If I had to say what the number one compliment I receive from older people is, it would be something like this: “You are such a strong-minded individual who has her head on straight. Your parents raised you right.” That’s what people see. They don’t know my story (I’m a pretty private person, so this will be a surprise to most.) But that’s who I am to the world. How did I get there? By the two individuals who showed me what hell was before I ever pictured heaven.

I love my Mom and Dad. And I thank God that they have grown both individually and together over the years. And if I had the chance to rewrite my story I wouldn’t dare pick up a pen.

Look beyond the few negatives and you’ll be amazed at what you find.

Much love from my fortress. ❤

 

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