Confession: Take 1

I heard a powerful message at church this morning. One that has been pulling at my heart for the past couple of months. And though God has forgiven my hypocrisy, I extend my apology to you as well.

I was that one Christian…the one who posts bible verses with the pretty background on Facebook. Ha, but then I would use Twitter and Snapchat as an outlet for my anger and party posts the same day. I wouldn’t doubt that there were some moments where I was in the act of “sharing” a bible verse on FB while sitting in a room with friends talking about the guys we “hung out with” the night before.

I prided myself on being the strong-willed woman who didn’t care what you thought. I addressed my friends as b****** and my favorite word started with an “F”.

I wasn’t afraid to belittle someone and telling a lie or two was always acceptable. I encouraged the consumption of alcohol and a large percentage of conversations circled around sex. I ravaged through friendships and relationships, taking what I wanted and then ghosting.

ALL WHILE CLAIMING GOD EXISTS AND LOVES US ALL.

So this apology is to you. Whether you believe in God or not. I failed you.

It’s still true — about God existing and loving you. No matter where you are in your walk. Whether you believe in Him or not…He longs for a relationship with you.

My apology comes in not accurately depicting who He is. And what He can do. In feeding you lies and focusing on myself.

Why would anyone drop everything they are and run after a God whose believers are worse than the non-believers? I understand. I’m sorry. I was confused as well. I thought I had it figured out. WOAH was I wrong.

But if you allow me, I want to clear up some confusions…the poor advice I gave you.

Taking the shot of vodka is not going to make your life any better. Texting the girl to come over and spend the night is not going to keep your heart from hurting. When you’re bored, having sex is not the proper solution. And going off on the person who hurt you isn’t going to make you happy.

When I got bored, I moved on. When I was mad, I let everyone know it. When I hurt, I drank. Did it fix anything? Nope haha. Often times it made everything worse.

One of you asked me a couple of days ago, “What changed? …I could just see after you graduated it was like a match was lit.”

What happened? God left the 99 and came after the one. Matthew 18:12

When I graduated, the distractions were taken away. Sunday mornings turned from hangovers to hallelujahs. And curses turned to bible verses. (That was cheesy but I had to …HAHAHA).

None of my past coping mechanisms could outperform a good ol’ praise sesh with my Savior. Perhaps because I was no longer coping, I was healing.

I’m sorry. The old Erika had you guys riding blind on the train straight down. Let’s start over. God turned this lukewarm girl into one on fire.

I’m on a new journey. One that is absolutely astonishing…But I promise, this time, it’s in the right direction.

With love,

From Her Fortress

 

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About E.Doty

Every day and every story holds a lesson.