I’m afraid I can’t even write it out anymore. The lack of feeling leaving the words without emotion.

As my feet hit the pavement I feel liberated. Raindrops hitting my cheeks where tears fail to form.

Wind deafening my ears. Yet every puddle brings a conversation that was lost years ago.

Stop lights illuminate sidewalks where old friends used to stand. This is home. Dark streets glistening.

Soaked jacket pressing against my skin. Its touch feeling safe yet suffocating. I must run faster. Make it hurt.

The fear of the monsters lurking in the dark is oddly satisfying. At least there is reason for panic. Unlike the chaos unraveling in my head before standing in front of a crowd.

It makes me want to vomit. Run faster. Ah, there it is.

How amazing the rain is. Engaging all five senses. Leaving you unaware whether you are here or there. Present or five years in the past.

The smell bringing back every spring memory. Eyes blind, yet in awe of the blurred colors. The rhythmic patter of every drop. Each one fighting to be heard. Until they meet.

The rush of water flowing through my shoes as each innocent drop streaks down my face. Falling to my mouth. Where it takes only the smallest taste to rejuvenate.

Set me free. Renew my soul. Let the sorrows fall from my body and into the drains. I thought this would help.

It didn’t.

From her fortress. ❤


I wrote this entry around 6 months ago. I thought I was drowning. And I wish I could say this was rock-bottom of the anxiety but it was only the beginning. Keep pushing. Keep fighting. Here I stand months later, stronger than ever. Sometimes you can’t see the hope around the corner. You simply have to have faith in it.

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